Performance Management
by Rice Pips
Summary: It's the time of year that everyone loves! Impossible targets, no pay-rise...yay! It's Performance Management time! Even in the 24th century, I'm sure these things will still exist! I own nothing! (Except my own performance management targets!)


(A/N: I own nothing. The characters are not mine, however, I am familiar with a performance management review! *bangs head*)

Performance Management

"Tom, I'm not sure this is a good idea. What if we get caught?"

B'Elanna hissed, glancing about to check nobody was watching.

"Who will find out? I'm not gonna tell, are you?" Tom hissed back, tapping away at the console.

"Don't be stupid! As if I'm going to admit being here with you to anyone!" B'Elanna snapped, drawing a look from a passing crewman.

"Ah, you do protest too much!" Tom sighed, winking at her.

"Shut up and find the damn file! Harry will kill us if we've deleted his sonata."

"Oh, now wait just a minute. What is this?" Tom leaned in closer, tapping on the file.

"Tom! That's classified! It's the crew performance management reviews!" B'Elanna's eyes widened as he opened up the file.

"Oh, come on B'Elanna! Don't you want to see what Tuvok has said about you?" Tom asked.

"No! Well….yes, but it's not right!"

"Since when did you get so prim and proper?" Tom shook his head, knowing it would rile B'Elanna. He clicked on her file and his eyes widened.

"Shut up!" she began then paused as her eyes locked onto the file. "Kahless! 32 pages? He's written 32 pages about me? What the hell?" B'Elanna gaped.

Tom clicked onto his own name and grimaced.

"Erm….check out mine. Chakotay has written 21 pages including 5 attachments….4 of those are pictures? I am so dead. What is this shit?"

"They have way too much time on their hands! Right, I did Carey's last week. Guess how much I wrote? 2 pages! 2! 'Carey is a hard worker…' blah, blah, blah!" B'Elanna paced about angrily.

"These reviews are going to be hell!" Tom groaned.

"I'm not sitting through 32 pages of Tuvok-Crap. No way! Delete it!" B'Elanna spat.

"B'Elanna! No! What happened to, 'we'll get caught!'?" Tom asked, mimicking her in the way she hated.

"Screw that!"

"Hang on…..oooh now look at that!" Tom's eyes glinted wickedly. "Chakotay and Tuvok's review notes written by the Captain!"

"Fancy a bit of fun, Helmboy?" B'Elanna grinned back.

They clicked onto the edit tab and began to make their own notes…..

"Oh, that is pure brilliance!" Harry gasped as he read the PADD in his hand. Tom and B'Elanna smirked at each other, enjoying their little bit of fun.

"This line here….that…my God, that's hysterical!" Harry howled.

"How do you come up with this stuff?"

Tom grinned as Harry read on.

"What is this line? Oh, no, wait I get it! It's about his size! This is just too funny!"

"Right….well we'd better not tempt fate too much. Let's restore them to the original format." B'Elanna suggested, reaching for the PADD.

"Erm….oops." Harry's eyes widened in horror.

"What?" Tom demanded.

"I think I just sent them to Tuvok and Chakotay…." Harry groaned. "My finger caught it!"

"No!" Tom and B'Elanna cried in unison.

"You are so dead!" Harry said with a nod.

*Tuvok to Janeway*

*Janeway here*

*I think you may have to look into the performance management reports. I think somebody has been tampering with them.*

*Oh? Care to elaborate?*

*Well I've just received mine…from you apparently. It's quite inflammatory.*

Janeway quickly tapped into her console and blanched white.

*Tuvok, I can assure you I did not write that!*

*I didn't believe you would, Captain. You'd better check all your reports.*

*Will do. Janeway out.*

Janeway opened up the next message and noted with relief it was still pending to be read. She gasped out loud as she saw the content and shot out of her chair, her coffee abandoned as she fled out of her ready room.

She practically burst through the door to Chakotay's office and felt her heart skip several beats as she saw him sitting down at his desk.

"Chakotay! Step away from your desk!" she yelped, leaping towards his him.

"Captain?"

"Don't open your messages!" Janeway demanded.

"What's going on?" Chakotay asked, clicking the message blinking at him anyway.

"Step aside! Please!" Janeway pleaded.

"Kathryn, you're starting to worry me!" Chakotay gave a little laugh as his eyes glanced at the message.

"You've been sent something by mistake. Please, let me get rid of it!" She was practically begging now.

"What? This message? I'm just about to read it. Why? What's wrong with it?" Chakotay was already reading. He felt his eyes boggle in his head and felt sure his heart had stopped.

"Don't read it!" Janeway demanded.

"Erm….oh! Well…..this….is unexpected." He scratched at his chin.

"Chakotay…..I didn't write it, I promise you!"

"So, you didn't write, 'Chakotay is an excellent officer, his ass is quite simply spectacular.'?" Chakotay deadpanned.

"No!" Janeway practically screeched.

"Or, 'Chakotay is a hands-on First Officer, I want his hands on me every day,?'" Chakotay was now smirking.

"Of course not!" Janeway put her hands indignantly on her hips.

"And I bet you didn't write, 'he's a hard worker, I want him to work me hard up against a bulkhead day and night,' Am I right?" Chakotay leaned back in his chair and leered at her wolfishly.

"Of course I didn't write that!" Janeway scoffed.

"Have I failed in some way?"

Chakotay asked, leaning forward in his chair.

"What?"

"You mean, you don't think I'm hard working?" he was smirking again.

"Chakotay! You know what I meant!" Janeway cried.

"I'm joking! Kathryn, calm down! So, if you didn't write it, then who did?" Chakotay asked.

There was a brief pause where they both thought. Then, looking each other dead in the eye, they both said,

"Paris."

Tom and B'Elanna stood outside the doors to the ready room waiting for what they could hope at best was a royal bollocking. At worst, Brig time.

*Come*

They grimaced at each other and with a supportive arm grab, they entered the room.

Twenty minutes later and they emerged from the ready room, stunned and relieved. They gave each other a smile. They couldn't quite believe they had got away with only a profuse apology and reduced holodeck time.

The doors behind them swished open and Janeway strode through with Chakotay right behind. They stopped and both offered them a rather cheeky smile.

"I forgot to mention you are also both going to carry out individual training sessions for all senior crew on the correct way to write a performance management report. In your own time, obviously. Oh, and by the end of next week too." Janeway said.

"Aye, Captain."

"Oh and one other thing…..the bulkheads? Far too boring for us. We're more about the Jeffries Tubes, isn't that right, Commander? More exciting," she smirked, "Enjoy!"

And with that she sauntered away, Chakotay smirking dirtily as he followed, leaving Tom and B'Elanna staring after them, their mouths agape.


End file.
